He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
