You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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