the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
did i just pee glitter
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
