I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
