dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
