he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
