All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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