Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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