No stitches, just platelets and will power
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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