If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
