i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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