my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
