Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
