i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
