Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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