wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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