An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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