I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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