Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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