we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
