We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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