i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
