Sponge bath it is.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
