mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
