i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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