my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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