I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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