we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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