I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
