listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
