I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got inside last night via doggy door
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
