He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
