UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
