I accidentally burped into my bong.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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