You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
