david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
