took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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