a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
