I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
