My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Randomize