Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
