And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
