too bad you live with your parents still
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
