But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
