U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
