Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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