this beer tastes like vomit already
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
