May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
