I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
