The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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