I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
be right there i have to get my cape
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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