Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
And, by āmake you dinnerā I mean āhave lots of sex and multiple orgasms.ā So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
