my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
