Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
