he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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