Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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