sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
