Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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