OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
