one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
that's an acceptable place to lick
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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