Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
